Everything’s going well with IVF #3 so far. I’m still at the point where not much is happening, really. I’m on day 7 of Lupron, which once again has zapped my memory (we were half way to the restaurant before I realized I didn’t have any shoes on), and will be starting stims (a combo of Gonal-F and low dose hcg like last time since I responded so well) on October 23 as long as my baseline ultrasound looks good on the 21st.
I’m having a hard time keeping my mind from wandering into sad places. I know that feeling disappointment about things I cannot control and self-pity doesn’t do me or anyone around me any good. And I know what can happen if you let those sorts of feelings fester… so I’m trying my best to shake it.
I received an email from a friend who is also cycling right now that mentioned she was looking forward to giving birth in the summer… It made me think about how I can’t say things like that anymore, statements of hopes and expectations as if they will most definitely become fact. And it doesn’t mean that she’s naïve; it makes me wish I wasn’t so jaded! Infertility took that from me; an instant wrapped in years. Now, almost everything I say about the future has a disclaimer, and if I don’t say it out loud, you can be pretty sure I’ve thought it in my head… I mean, I don’t want to sound like I’m overreacting to everything or I’m the biggest downer, so I try to keep the spoken negativity to a minimum (I let it all out on here).
Though I have taken steps to avoid it from happening again (such as getting the same trigger shot I had with our first IVF cycle since IT WORKED and Ovidrel DIDN’T), honestly, after my terrible last cycle, I can’t even really confidently say that there will be any eggs from my upcoming retrieval even if I have another 15 perfect follicles… because I thought that last cycle and found out I was totally and utterly wrong. (Can you tell I’m still not past it?)
HOWEVER, just in case Speak-It-And-It-Will-Become-So really works, I would like to say that I’m looking forward to be woken up after the egg retrieval with the nurse telling me I have several beautiful eggs that are on their way to the lab to be mixed with only the best of the best. I’m looking forward to a great fertilization rate, and to have many better than average embryos, two transferred and the rest thawed for child numbers 2 and 3. I’d not mind if both implanted and stuck around for the next nine months and the frozen embryos could be for children numbers 3 and 4 (not really our plan, but why not imagine it?). I’m looking forward to giving birth to a live, healthy baby (or babies) in 2010, at home. I’m looking forward to the birth being exactly as I have imagined it: beautiful, serene, and powerful. I’m looking forward to every single moment pregnancy and motherhood has in store and I’m looking forward to looking back on this time with pride because we stuck with it and made it through to the other side.
…
A dream is a wish your heart makes
When you’re fast asleep
In dreams you lose your heartaches
Whatever you wish for, you keep
Have faith in your dreams and someday
Your rainbow will come smiling thru
No matter how your heart is grieving
If you keep on believing
The dream that you wish will come true
Loved that last paragraph. It made me tear up a bit. I really hope that all comes true.
Big Hugs.
By: Melissa G on October 7, 2009
at 7:14 pm
Thanks for the reminder to keep a positive attitude. I never intended to live my life with a disclaimer at the end of all my future plans. I’m looking forward to hearing good news!
By: Leslie on October 8, 2009
at 5:32 pm
Oh, your post was lovely. I too find it impossible to stay positive (and i’m not even cycling at present). Lets face it .. crap stuff has happened to all of us so it’s only natural that we’ll be a little cautious on being optimistic. But I loved reading your positive paragraph as just reading it made me feel hopeful and happy and I guess in the big scheme of things if you can make this horrible process into something nice and bearable then that has to be a good thing! (just found your blog today and will be sticking around to congratulate you when you get your BFP – see positivity is contagious!).
By: egghunt on October 8, 2009
at 9:01 pm
Popped over from the crème de la crème list.
Great post about tackling the emotional drain that is IF.
I took a sneak peek at your more recent posts, I’m so glad to learn you’re expecting! Good luck!
By: Lut C. on January 6, 2010
at 5:32 pm
THANK YOU! Your participation would be much appreciated. The survey is completely anonymous, so all information you provide will be kept confidential.
Here are the criteria for inclusion:
* Member of a married or cohabitating heterosexual couple
* You do not have any biological or adopted children living in your home
* Either you, your spouse, or both has received an infertility diagnosis (“unexplained infertility” qualifies as a diagnosis)
* You are CURRENTLY receiving medical treatment for infertility, have done so in the past six months, or plan to do so within the next six months
* Both you and your partner are willing to participate & have access to the internet
To sign up for the study, please respond to this email with your email address and that of your spouse. I will then send the introductory email and your couple identification number (used to link your responses and also to verify your completion so we can send your movie ticket voucher) to you both, and you will be able to access the survey by clicking the included link.
Please do not hesitate to contact me at any point if you have questions or concerns.
Elisabeth
By: Elisabeth on January 12, 2010
at 4:01 pm